it's been 10....

pounds since i last saw you, that is! i'm down 16.8. i've had some kind of energy shift that has enabled me to stick to eating light. i just need to lose another 16, about 6 more times, LOL. fitnesspal has been amazing, a few more friends have joined and supporting one another has been wonderful.

i haven't been back to see my therapist. my husband went out of town to move my mom up here and i had to cancel my appointment. i haven't rescheduled. part of me kind of really wants talk therapy and i get this impression that while of course we do talk, she really wants to move on to this other "work" and i kind of just need to do a dump sometimes and spit it all out. i'm not sure if i'll look for someone new or not. i'd love an eclectic therapist who isn't completely traditional but i don't know, just has a different approach.

my little has begun speech therapy! this was very anxiety inducing for me, until we had the first appointment, which has half of his assessment. i really like his therapist and he was engaged with her and i am learning so much. i didn't know what to expect of the process, but so much of it is her teaching me ways to promote language.

skipping back, yes my mom moved in with us! it doesn't feel like it yet because she often visits for months at a time but knowing she will not be leaving to another house, is very comforting. the kids are so happy. middle sleeps with her and oldest takes walks with her and she is a huge part of little's home speech work.

back to the weight, i still have 20 to go just to get to where i was before i gained the preschool stress weight, which is what i am referring to it as these days. then from there it will still be a long journey. i haven't incorporated regular exercise but i did make the colossal mistake of trying a crossfit class. i've been sore from working out before but this was brutal pain.

there was a living social deal and i thought i'd give it a try so i wrote to them and they said i could try a class free, then decide. i made it thru the class but a few hours later i was in so much pain, it was miserable. suffice it to say, i did not return. then i tried a class my friend teaches at the Y, on the gravity system. that was an amazing work out and i was able to appreciate the soreness of my efforts without hating it.

i really would like to spend more time posting about things here, if you read this, would you leave me a comment? my goal is to write posts on one topic instead of checking in randomly and throwing it all together. i'd really like to share our speech therapy experience because talking with other mamas whose children have had developmental delays has really been an incredible source of comfort and i'd love to meet others out there who i could share with and learn from.

6.8 down, OH SO MANY more to go

monday i got back to logging my food on fitnesspal. i had wasted the better part of a month eating a 1200 calorie diet, only to blow it by having a few bad days. the result was ZERO weight lost.

today is day 6 and i'm down 6.8 pounds. i have averaging about 1000 calories/day and not feeling deprived. i almost didn't want to write this because when i quit and fail, i will eventually have to mention it here but if i fail again, i deserve the humiliation. even though i am the only one who currently knows about this blog!

i have been having some self talks with myself when i've wanted to give in. the inner voice always says what's the point, you're going to quit so might as well not be miserable for awhile only to return to your overeating ways. but this time, another voice said - you don't NEED the food. it makes you feel better in the moment but is it worth it a week later, a month later, a year later? the good feeling doesn't live beyond the moment. being healthy can be with me forever, if i can just be strong enough to get there.

i used to be a skinny minnie. and i used to wonder why fat people didn't just stop being lazy or eat less or exercise more. and here i am, like most people, knowing what NEEDS to be done to drop the weight, but just not being able to commit and maintain the necessary changes.

once again, i hope THIS is the time that it works. i have tried to stay very present and mindful of my feelings regarding food. i haven't felt deprived. i carry a low carb protein bar or my favorite protein shake with me when i am on the run (with 3 kids, this is often).

on monday i am going to restart my daily yoga. i just love doing tara stiles videos from youtube. she just seems very real, genuine and interesting. i like her style and she has so many youtube videos to choose from.

i don't intend to weigh myself obsessively on a daily basis. friday check in will be all that i do. i hope that i'm back next friday with more of the same news!

brainspotting?

so folks, this is me. since my last post, i carried on with fitnesspal and yoga, but i never ran again. then i had a bunch of poor eating days. not anything obscene, just definitely over the 1270 daily calories i was shooting for. that's me, i do well and believe everything wonderful is possible. then i blink and fall from grace. i seriously have contemplated if hypnotherapy could make me more consistent.

i had a therapy session last week and i didn't leave feeling as positive as i had the previous session. it was due to no fault of the therapist. i just had had a hard week (weeks, months) with my oldest and just wasn't feeling very light in general. she suggested we begin a treatment called brainspotting. part of me is terrified. like, what if some horrible self discovery is made and it is emotionally overwhelming. or what if some amazing self discovery is born of it. OR, what if the whole thing is bullshit. stay tuned folks, i'll let you know what's on the real.

i really want to find some time to talk about my tween issue as well as my homeschooling plans. i'll get a post up on at least one of those topics, before the weekend is over!

small successes

since last week, little has changed. well, little things have changed and all in a positive way. my husband and i decided to start eating better, together. we decided on six small meals a day. food is a big issue for me. i have been overweight most of my adult life, i guess i got into double digit size at around 21 and by 23 was up two sizes and now i'm up two sizes from that. i've fluctuated and had started losing weight and getting into better shape after little was born but somehow i fell WAY off the path.

anyway, my best friend and i also started to use fitnesspal to keep a food log. my daily goal is 1270 calories and except for sunday, which i allowed myself to have whatever i wanted, i was under every day. and on sunday i was at 1700 so it wasn't AWFUL. i like this app because it seems to have every food imaginable stored and i've verified the nutritional facts on everything i've pulled so far. at the end of the day there is a summary where i can see my sugar, carbs, protein, etc.

for the past two days, i actually started my day after sending my oldest to school. as opposed to my typical routine the last month, which was going back to sleep instead. to start my day i did a short morning yoga video** on youtube, followed by a pilates video, then a short meditation. i felt so refreshed and the positive energy stayed with me throughout my day.

this evening, i finally broke the curse of the treadmill. something in me has totally resisted hopping back on. but tonight i opened my 10k free running app and picked week 6 day 1. i am SO SLOW. but i did it. it's 5 min walk, 5 run, 3 walk, 8 run, 3 walk, 5 run, 5 walk.  my track record isn't so good so let's see if i hop on again.

here goes nothing

so, the whole thing about how i was going to do the intake the following day. that took me over a week to accomplish. i called her, she called me, i called her - days in between on my end because i was getting super nervous about it. finally, i called and she answered. i told her about our awful ESD experience, my fears of my son being treated like a bother if he isn't cooperative, etc. she was WONDERFUL. she verified my insurance, which while expensive, still gives us great benefits for therapy. she told me about the practice and how the scheduling would work and we completed the intake.

basically, the director will match us up with the therapist he thinks is best suited for little based on our file and then we will be contacted once there is an opening. he will be assessed for one hour one week, then another hour the following week. the week following that, treatment would begin. it will be the same day and time every week which is really nice for not having to make appointments every week. i've been waiting several days now and i am hoping there is an opening soon.

i had my therapy appointment. it was kind of a get to know you. i was not as comfortable sharing about myself as i thought i would be. i have a friend who i know pours out her heart, every angry thing she's ever felt, but i just couldn't. we are meeting again next week and i'm going to gage how much i feel i can benefit from working with her. i didn't leave there feeling like i thought she was just so great. but i'm going to give it a chance.

the traveling preschool has evolved into a community group who will hold class twice a week at a local church that we are able to rent space from, and we have been able to hire a teacher that our kids already know. it's going to be great for middle as she is missing her friends even though we have a lot of play dates and outings.

on the marriage front, since my last post it was ok, then AWFUL, and now borderline good. i'm almost scared to trust it. he's not a bad guy by any means, i definitely have fault in where we are but it's exhausting when we argue. i also feel like i can't be completely natural, like i have to be more cautious of my words and actions. in a way i resent that, but in a way i feel that anything worth having is worth putting work into. my husband has basically gone along with whatever i want for over a decade and i think i have to give some consideration into what would make him happy, even if it is things that might not come as naturally to me right now. i want us to be happy.

two steps forward

usually this statement is followed by two steps back, maybe 200 steps back for me. but i am holding on to a positive outlook as i am taking some steps for change. maybe later i will write separate posts for the things i am referring to, but for now the bits & pieces will have to do.

first, homeschooling. it hasn't felt very official and i don't want there to be any pressure attached. it's preschool. my middle has all the tools she needs to enter kinder, if we decide to send her off to school in the fall. we are feeling things out and have found oh SO many resources on pinterest.

currently we are using the you can read sight word program from this great blog. i eamprinted the pages that i wanted to use, put them in sheet protectors, and place them in a three ring binder. we do calendar daily with a pocket chart, and we put together a valentine's day inspired sensory tub. we have open art like paint supplies out at the easel and stickers and glue and other embellishments out at the kitchen table.

our friends that also jumped ship from our past preschool are starting a traveling preschool of sorts and we are not yet sure if we are going to join. if we do, that will be an interesting experience to document!

second, i reached out to the local private institute that deals with speech and developmental delays. my little definitely has needs and for some reason i find that incredibly intimidating and terrifying. I made the initial contact and am to call back tomorrow morning for the intake. the issue is that if our insurance doesn't cover it we will have to go the public route and i'm trying to avoid that. we had the little assessed right after his 2nd birthday and it was an AWFUL experience, we ending up declining to complete the evaluation and booked it out of there, little and i both in tears.

third, i have my first every therapy appointment. i have friends who have relied on therapy for years but i never saw myself as the "type". well, i've reached a point that i feel like i need to work with someone to get through some of my "stuff". i verified my insurance benefits and used their list of approved providers. the first one i chose had retired and still took clients but on a cash only basis.  the next lady, who i felt was THE ONE, was no longer accepting new clients from my insurance panel. i was crushed because i really connected to her method when reading her website.

then, i came across a name i wasn't going to look into based on distance but i googled her anyway. turns out she is someone i contacted two years ago but never followed thru with meeting, for one reason or another. she utilized some alternative therapies and i was especially interested in her because of her use of EFT (emotional freedom technique). my appointment is next week and i'm pretty nervous.

in other good news, the oldest came in 3rd in the school wide spelling bee! so proud of him and loved seeing him proud of himself. he is a tween and often complaining or scowling. the glued on smile was a lovely change.

but, all these things move me forward, as opposed to the sludge i've been buoying in. i just hope i can get unstuck and move towards the me that i feel like i can possibly be.

just january

like most people, i came into the new year full of hope. i set intentions. i created a vision board on pinterest. i (thought) i set myself up for success by deciding to be soft on myself and to set my mind on things that were realistic.

but january was a mofo of a bitch, my friends. the quick and dirty is that my marriage is in serious jeopardy, i resigned as president of the board of my daughter's preschool (which was one in a series of SHIT STORMS associated with the experience), my littlest turned 3 and his speech is very delayed so we have him on a GF diet, my oldest (10ish) hates me and my middle is, well - a middle.

when my macbook crapped out last year i was given a choice of a new laptop or a treadmill. i chose the treadmill! i used it to start and complete c25k. then i ran about 4 other times and the last time was a good 3 months ago. i've put on 40 pounds in the last 18 months. i turn 35 this year. i think i might be experiencing borderline depression.

oh, and i'm finishing off the middle's preschool year by homeschooling. one of the shit storms resulted in pulling her out of her preschool.

with the lack of my own personal computer, there is little motivation to hop on my husband's system at the end of the day to write. but i need to. or.i.will.implode.

it's always been hard for me to fully confide but this blog is going to be a reflection of my experiences as i navigate either towards or away from my marriage, adventures in homeschooling, trying to keep just one child gluten free, trying to move my mom in with us as she (amazingly) deals with a fucked up stage 4 cancer diagnosis, regaining balance and mindfulness in my life and all the mistakes i make along the way.

i'm either a work or a wreck in progress. we're all mad here, won't you join us?!?!?!